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How a Quality Man Selects a Wife in 3 Stages
category: Marriage Advice
To have a successful communication with a potential brother, it's important to understand how a quality brother communicates and then considers a sister for marriage.
As far as "speed" and blink-of-an-eye decision-making goes, this is even more true in a matrimonial website.
Yes, sisters, of course, go through a similar process, but I'll show you the picture from the brothers' side.
From my own personal experience and from other brothers', I've found this to be true: that brothers communicate and "take the next step" in three stages.
Stage one is the filtering stage.
This is when most sisters are filtered OUT.
It's similar to a kitchen colander that we use to drain food (pasta, for example), when all the extra water is drained out, so only the solid pasta remains in the colander.
In a matrimonial website, when a brother s browsing through profiles OR if he has received match suggestions, he filters out anyone with qualities he personally doesn't find desirable.
It is true that a lot of those qualities are not crystal clear, but like any other human being, he jumps to quick conclusions by observing trivial things in her profile or introduction that catches his attention.
(Hold on a second before you jump: everyone does that; everyone makes such snap judgments and quick decisions, including sisters.)
It's as if he's shaking the colander really hard because he wants to filter her out, NOT filter her in.
This is the stage when most sisters, even those who would otherwise be an excellent match, get filtered out. So, most sisters get filtered out too early.
Stage two is the evaluation stage.
The one sister who stays inside the colander after all the shaking, he makes a mental list of her pros and cons, as he communicates with her. At this stage, he finds out more real qualities which he can better understand. Yes, he also finds out some of the things that makes her a human being with flaws and imperfection.
As he gets to know her better, he realizes: "Yeah, she has certain issues, but there are so many amazing things as well." If the pros seem to outweigh the cons, he moves on to stage three.
Stage three is the acceptance stage.
The better he gets to know her, even if it's in one or two phone conversations or in-person meetings, he plays out a mental scene where her pros slowly win him over.
The more he gets to know her, the easier his acceptance becomes. It becomes easier for him to want the whole package, including things he's not so crazy about.
An important factor to keep in mind is that this process is sequential. Meaning: filtering comes first, then evaluation, and finally acceptance.
And the other factor is: all of these happens in the background, unconsciously. So, a brother may never even know about these three stages, but for sure, without a doubt, every brother who got married, went through them.
A lot of initial contacts are failing, not because a brother and a sister aren't a good match, but rather because one person often gets filtered out too soon before the other one can make a good evaluation about future potential.
author: Yaser Birjas
total reads: 3710
author: Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
category: Soul Purification
total reads: 17283